before i begin i should put the disclaimer that the things that am about to write will absolutely not make any sense whatsoever i have never really cared about that. my friends definitely agree that i have an enormous capacity to talk crap and personally i take pride in that. i call it an art. in fact the people who really know me have learnt the art to tune me out but it is the unsuspecting souls are the ones who interest me. this afternoon i was thinking yes that is a big deal to me. i mean there are a million things going in every one's head but do we really patiently pay attention to them. its the day to day mundane stuff that occupies your mind. the secret recipe of being the enlightened ones is listening to these tiny flicker of thoughts and processing them. being always a part of the dark side of life finally today i was forced to think as i had else to engage myself. the result was this brilliant philosophy by the way only i recognise the brilliance of the theory others labelled it as garbage. so not deviating and plunging into my theory i feel that the purpose of everyone life is hedonism that it the only tangible religion, the only faith, the only achievable goal. the path to this achievable goal is narcissism. if you are incapable of loving yourself you wont be able to love anyone else. admit it or not self love gives me you immense pleasure. if i dont know my worth then it is virtually to impossible to understand and respect others. if am not able to love myself then i wont have the confidence to get anyone's love. narcissism is beautiful, i fall in love with myself over and over again and it is one romance that is permanent and loyal. i could on in this tone with this ridiculous train of thoughts. it is one those rare moments where i take myself too seriously and decide to publish a post.

whenver am in the Howrah station waiting for cab i just stand grounded and stare at the stream of people moving about some with a purpose, some without. i always get so engrossed just looking at them without realising its so easy to get lost in the crowd. it happens to me so often am in a party and standing in one corner just observing people engaging themselves in animated conversation without even bothering to do the same. its as if i have some kind of cord with which i connect to people and disconnect myself whenever i want. when am at home it almost becomes a pain to even talk to people. the cell phone becomes a burden. saying hello to everyone with remotest civility is an effort to me. it dawned upon me that i can lead my life normally without actually talking to anyone. there is always so much to think about. the web goes spinning. yet am not lonely. i have often been told that am so full of myself. it true to an certain extent. am a self confessed loner and very comfortable being one. people say its an attitude problem. but i must confess that i dont deliberately ignore people its just i dont notice them for my own absentmindedness. i must confess that that sometimes i have the best conversations with myself. as if its some kind of madness which i really dont want to get rid of. i close my eyes and purge myself of all the unwanted thoughts and just concentrate on the functioning of the organs. to feel the clock work precision of my brain as if there is a person in the brain and continuously tuning my body clock, the rhythmic beat of the heart reminds of a factory environment. and if i concentrate i can almost hear each every tiny cell breathe. the pleasure is almost undefinable. call it madness or self obsessiveness but i that search for that deep contentment is almost worth every whim.