i am in the mood of rambling and none of it is going to be coherent. the last month has turned my life topsy turvy. 2 years of redundant work heightened my frustration. at one point i remember only cribbing. be it my work, the people, my height, lack of intellectual stimulation - my day wasn't over without cribbing. i cribbed in groups, i cribbed alone, i cribbed over coffee and i cribbed in my dreams. i wud have given anything to get rid of the situation. desperation led me to apply to colleges in australia, india, uk and scotland. and when i thought i had sunk into the deepest mire, i saw sunshine which almost blinded me. i got offer letters from all the colleges, my family life was perfect, i got rid of my job, the daily frustration, i was surrounded my smart and intelligent people. now i have no reason to crib absolutely not. i have started doing things that i have never done. i finish my homework on time, i dont bunk college, i have turned into a complete family person, i dont bitch about people and in fact i am not even condescendingly nice. i have gotten so used to bitching about anything and everything, that life without sarcasm, the instinct to kill people, cheesy songs, brain dead but feel good movies have almost become surreal. 2 years of seriously avoiding people have generated a phobia of socialisation. after a 5 min conversation i quickly rush back home and put as much distance as possible with the person. 2 years of wanting things badly, when i am finally getting it, its hard to believe that its my life. i have become a casual observer of my own life. my self obsession is also gone. i no longer notice if the person is eating jalebi with a spoon, i just notice them like a detachment as if it does not involve me anymore. i even get confused when people ask me where i come from. do i come from kolkata, hyderabad or chennai? i end up looking stupidly at the person and mentally doing a tic tac toe to finally arrive at a destination. life without worries/problems has become transient. i am not complaing. nothing wud make me go back to that situation. secrectly i am enjoying this phase where i am not expected to do anything.
i just want to quote robert frost:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,And sorry I could not travel bothAnd be one traveler, long I stoodAnd looked down one as far as I couldTo where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the tother, as just as fair,And having perhaps the better claim,Because it was grassy ans wanted wear;Though as for that the passing thereHad worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally layIn leaves no step had trodden black.Oh, I kept the first for another day!Yet knowing how way leads on to way,I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sighSomewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled byAnd that has made all the difference.